I might puke

It's 5:17am. I woke up at 4:30 and I'm heading to the airport on a work trip to Calgary for the day.

I feel like I could puke right now it is so early.

Seriously, there were dry heaves. Yea I know you guys wanted to know.

Well only 14 more hours until I am reunited with my bed.

Hi all,

I decided to remove the last post as we all need to move on. I won't be posting about this again.

I definitely need time to clear my head. My brain feels as heavy as a bowling ball - not that I know what that feels like (Big Ben).

Any requests for new posts?

_

Renewing Weekend - Top 10 Things that Have Happened in the Past 48 hours!

I can't believe it's Sunday night already.  But I must say, for once in the last few weeks I actually feel rested and peaceful. Finally. I had about eight days in a row of events last week and the week before. That, combined with recent events ran me into the ground physically and emotionally. I woke up Friday with a headache and feeling like I had run a marathon. I stayed home from work. I hate staying home from work - I feel so guilty, but it had to be done.

Anyways, the weekend has been good. Let me share with you my highlights:

10. Realized how good the new Fever Ray album is (recommended by Junebug). I really like the song "Dry and Dusty" which was unavailable to add to my playlist so you guys get "Now is the only time I know" instead. Oh and I also added a song by White Lies called E.S.T. Enjoy!

9. Had a good 160 minute phone conversation on Friday with a new and unexpected female friend. We had some good laughs indeed about the NFL and Rachel McAdams. Yea that's right.

8. Arranged the fabrics I bought for the quilt I'm making for myself:

And yes chantoon I totally stole the fabric (on top) that you were looking at when you were visiting. It just looked so cute with the other fabrics.

7. Set up my etsy site (see ad on the left). My items are crude and mildly embarrassing but I needed to put something up to get things started. I plan to add cartoons next. This should get me motivated! 

Again I recognize my skills are weak at this point, BUT two strangers and Heidi have already added me to their favorites....awh. I need to work on my shop's look too (just added a quick make-shift banner etc.).

6. Went for brunch with two guy friends this morning. Had some eggs and hashbrowns. 

5. Went to a Lego exhibit with my friend Dave. It was pretty good, amazing how much work goes into something like that. There were a lot of really cute little kids there that were overwhelmed by all of the displays. I can't wait to take my nephew there when he's old enough.

Alot of the lego models were Vancouver related which was cool, such as BC ferries and the Canada line. The detail was amazing and the hours that went into it, pretty unreal.

4. Shopping. On Saturday, after a serious sleep-in, I went shopping and I bought a bunch of cute clothes. I really needed it as I had recently taken four bags of clothes to the salvation army. I am still short on pants though. Why do pants have to be so hard to buy? I'm not going to post the clothes as I know the male readers don't enjoy it that much. A new store opened on South Granville called JNBY Since 1994. I bought a cool top there. The style is really cool. 

3. Vancouver Canucks won tonight! I totally didn't watch. I think I should start.

2. My friends. Since I've had my head up my ass for the past six months, this weekend I had the opportunity to look around and realize I have a lot of great things going on here in Vancouver. I hung out with four new friends last week alone and am going out with another this week. There are tons of people who have taken me up on my "I'm going to do the Grouse Grind 20 times this year want to join me?" challenge. Others want to go see a band with me, I just need to get organized. I hope that this means a lot of fun times this summer, and I plan to report them right here for you folks. 

1.The rain. It feels really refreshing tonight. My apartment is warm and I have the window open and it's raining. Opening my windows is a true sign that summer is on it's way! Hooray!

Bonus item: Talking to Heidi and having her say she had to go because her favorite show "Rock of Love Bus With Bret Michaels" was on. Too much. 

_

Moving On

Thanks to everyone for all your support on the last post. It really is the most fucked up thing I've had happen to me in probably forever, but life goes on. Again, you guys rule. Hope I get some real answers someday.





In other news I can't stop listening to the new metric. It's so good. I put my two favorite songs so far from the album on the playlist. Check them out.

I also saw two great concerts this week: Presets and then Angus and Julia Stone. Both Australian, very different, but amazing in their own ways. It's crazy, I've been thinking about travelling to Australia and I feel like signs are everywhere. There were also tons of Australians at both shows. You really can't beat an Australian accent can you?

I have more stuff to post later but I'm at work and lunch is almost over!

Take care little buddies.

Wow, I mean.....Wow....

It's been an interesting week indeed. 

This is basically part two of the previous post. I know some of you probably read it, thought "oh that's too bad, Rawbean had some boy problems" and then got on with your day.  Well this situation is a little more than your average boy meets girl and it doesn't work out scenario. 

Over the past week I have discovered just how much Scott* lied to me. It's super incredible and the more I think about it the more blown away I am. 

As I mentioned, I had my suspicions about a few things during our nightly conversations, but when I would confront him about it he would always come up with some sort of excuse as to why he was doing certain things. 

Last week I found out he lied to me about where he worked. I can recall specific conversations where I asked him about his job and what he did. When I found out where he actually worked (the evidence is solid that this is his actual job) it was clear he was straight out untruthful. That is a really weird thing to do. His real job is nothing to be ashamed of. I have no idea why he lied. And he has been working there for awhile it seems. And no, he is not a top secret agent that needs to stay undercover. 

This probably explained why he had two facebook accounts. I didn't realize this until my friend finder stumbled upon his second account one day. It appeared that he had an account with friends he has made through blogging (95% women) and one with his real life friends and family. I e-mailed his real life account asking him why I was on the other account and he made a point of e-mailing me back through e-mail, not through facebook (you know, so I wouldn't have a peek into his real world). Shortly after that, his real life account disappeared. Now it's not a crime to have two facebook accounts, but it does suck when you ask him about it and he lies and says one is for work. Do you work with young women bloggers?

I also questioned him about a relationship with another blogger that ended badly last summer (he brought it up originally when we first met in person). He always blew it off as no big deal and completely meaningless. In the past week, I have had the opportunity to exchange stories with the girl in question as I had read some frustrating posts on her blog. She actually commented on my last post (please check it out) and confirmed that he led her on and lied to her. She has joked that he is like one of those guys you see on dateline NBC who has multiple wives that don't know about eachother. It's funny, but sadly kind of true. I won't go into more details about her story as it isn't mine to tell, but let me tell you, his behaviour was really sketchy. 

As all of this guy's lies are falling into place, I realize that something that happened in January is probably a lie as well and if it is, that it is probably one of the sickest things I have ever known someone to do. This guy was supposed to come visit me in the middle of the month. He sent me vague (looking back) information of his flight schedule over messenger (not a real confirmation that you would normally just forward over e-mail). Two days before he was due to come out here, tragedy struck in his life (this seems to be a common occurrence for this guy and it happens just in the nick of time) and he had to cancel his plans. At the time I was blown away with sadness for him. He even blogged about it and some of you probably commented. Sadly I now no longer believe this event to have actually occurred. I was never able to confirm that it did. I also can't say that it 100% didn't occur but since all I have is his word to go on it is more likely that it did not occur. The idea that a person would lie about such a thing is positively UNREAL.

In the end, I have no idea why someone would do this. I've never come across this type of character before. It is still stunning. I can't believe I wasted six months on this guy. I guess that doesn't make me look too great, but sadly I thought I was just being paranoid and needed to learn to trust. Having had this happen has basically reset my trust to zero. Thanks to this guy for doing that.

As I mentioned in the last post, I am worried that more blogger ladies are at risk. The girl from last summer believes there were other women before us and agreed more are likely in the works. He has dozens listed on his facebook account alone. Who knows how many he is chatting up offline. If you know someone who may be involved with this guy send them the link to this post. 

I should note that he has not done anything criminal. He hasn't ever said "if you give me your bank account number...." or anything like that. But I do believe that what he is doing is immoral and that is why I have chosen to write about it.

* Yes, I realize it's pretty intense for me to name him, but I really feel it's necessary.

ALSO a note to the guy in question: come clean and get help. You are making your life really difficult by lying to people. 

Stay tuned for way better posts to come. Enough of this fucked up shit hey?

Trust? I don't think so.

One of the things that I struggle with in relationships (in particular romantic relationships) is trust. I've had a few dodgy boyfriends in the past and combining that with my general insecurities, my trust has become a difficult thing for a boy of interest to earn.

I am super honest with people. I can't lie to save my life. In fact my honesty often gets me into trouble. I will tell you what I am feeling whether you like it or not. Sometimes this can be a bad thing as people don't always want to know what I think. But in relationships I think that this is a good thing for the most part as I try not to play games and will ask the hard questions. I feel that when two people are honest with each other, its the only way you can move forward. 

Today I type this with the huge butterflies in my stomach. What happened this week is something I never thought could happen to someone like me.

For the last six months I made friends with a fellow blogger and we became romantically interested in one another.  Within the past few days I found out that he blatantly lied to me about himself. I am utterly stunned by this realization. 

This wasn't exactly a lie that fell amongst pools of honesty, there have been signs, many signs. I have always told myself that I need to listen to my gut instinct when meeting someone new, and there were definitely red lights here. But when I confronted him about these small things he always tried to explain them away (sometimes it was super obvious he was lying but I just gave up trying to find the truth). 

This was someone who acted like I could have "been the one" for him. Finding out he lied to me has been completely upsetting and has made me sick to my stomach.

You may wonder why I would blog about this? Why not just cut my losses and move on? Well I plan to do that. I also tried to give him opportunities to explain himself. He has instead virtually disappeared off the radar. 

My biggest fear is that he is going to do this to someone else. Waste someone's time through false hope. There was a girl who was hurt before me last summer, and likely another one in the works right now. It's super scary shit. I'm not sure his intention is to hurt women, but he is clearly very confused and has trouble determining truth from fiction. 

So be careful who you meet out there. I thought this guy was one of the good ones. I was so wrong. This is also my reason for questioning the existence of this blog. I guess when you put yourself out there it is inevitable that someone will take advantage at some point. 

_

It's Too Much Information

I recently finished catching up on the worst show ever: Gossip Girl. I feel seriously guilty that I watched all two seasons, but it was like a bad car accident and I couldn't look away. 

Here are a few reasons I liked the show:

1. Good Fashion

2. Good music (at least in the first season)

3. Entertaining plot (I guess)

Here are reasons I think I should not continue watching:

1. The premise of the show is to tell people's secrets on an anonymous website called "Gossip Girl". So far no character has been spared having their dirty laundry aired for everyone (literally) to see.

2. A lot of cheating and boyfriend/girlfriend swapping.

3. A lot of really screwed up characters.

This has made me think more about technology and general and where we are at today. I have a Facebook account, Msn Messenger and a blog. Through these mediums I get a lot of information and talk to a lot of people I know. I know that it is WAY too much information for my brain to process and I'm really tired of it.

It is one thing to learn that your old friend from junior high likes Nickleback now (not true just an example) but its worse to find out that the guy you like is giving thumbs up to some girl in a bikini (also just an example). I think sites like Facebook are causing more problems then they are doing good. When someone breaks up, everyone knows about it - how is that any different than the fiction on Gossip Girl? Where have people's personal privacy gone?

Then there is blogging. For me, blogging originally was an outlet to tell stories to my friends (my real life friends) and have them comment and interact with me. It was particularly important to help keep in touch with those who live in another city and whom I may not otherwise get to talk to on a regular basis. 

Then one day, someone I didn't know commented on my blog, then another and another. Soon these people become your blogger buddies who live all over the country, continent or maybe even the world. How amazing! But soon, even blogging had gone from innocent fun to complicated. Soon these new and interesting people want to be your friend - and maybe meet in "real life". In total, I have met six bloggers. Sure it's interesting to meet new people, but again, this may have been too much. Perhaps I should have kept to myself and my "real life friends" as I like to call them. Did I really need to meet complete strangers? I'm not so sure, I mean what do I really know about any of them? Or them about me?

Plain and simple, I don't enjoy blogging anymore. Letting people in on my life, and not knowing who's reading about it is a little creepy. Or worse knowing more than you wanted to know about other bloggers. It isn't fun anymore and it hasn't been for some time. 

What happen to the days of ignorance is bliss? I miss those days where if you wanted to talk to someone you called them on the phone. You met some new friend through your pottery class. Your circle of important people was mostly within the town which you lived. You, for the most part, talked to them face to face. Oh and you got all of your important music and gossip information from your Sassy magazines which arrived in the mail. 

I have previously tried to ditch my Facebook account and blog but I found that its like quitting smoking - really difficult. I have decided that I need to take it slow so.....

Today I deleted every friend on my Facebook account and then deactivated the account. It felt so good and was actually pretty easy because nothing interesting has been going on there for quite sometime. I'm hoping I can inspire others to do the same (hint hint). 

Eventually this blog will go too. But it will be baby steps. If you enjoy any of my links, maybe bookmark them now as you could come to my blog one day and find an error page in it's place.

MSN Messenger? We'll see. I don't talk to most of the people on that list either, but I get to know when they are on their computer. So strange. Are they even my friends?

Anyone else getting tired of the information highway? Or is it just me?

I'm SO glad I didn't get into Twitter. I think that's like the heroin of technology and would be pretty tough to shake. At least there is a bright side!